grieving and mourning

Grief is an amazing thing, it can shake you really deep and at the same time help you grow a whole lot.

I'm grieving MsDM and at the same time I'm grieving the loss of my family. What sucks and is worse is that they aren't dead but for reasons beyond my control, we can't reconciliate. Don't email me to let me know it's "fixable", IT ISN'T.

I tried for years and some things just can't be fixed because when one doesn't acknowledge their responsibility over actions and blame the other for anything and everything, things just are problematic. The Mother said very hurtful things to me including how I wasn't a part of their family that you know what? I got the freaking message. There's no need to tell me over and over again. For God's sake, I got it. I need to get over that fact and move on.

At the same time, I'm grieving MsDM, I'm going through the stages of grief in regards to my family.

You know, the thing is that MsDM gave me her friendship, her affection, her love, her kindness. She saw who I really am, like my friends, she saw ME, she loved ME. She took me for who I really am, as I did with her. She was a lovely woman, an amazing spirit. She taught me a lot about faith, about what really matters. I loved her, I still love her.

I need to write more about my feelings, I need to write her DN about the amazing healing I received from MsDM's last day. I'm finally able to to let my pain out, I'm able to cry for me, finally....

The journey is hard, the road sometimes sucks, I'm at a turning point, I need to follow the right direction. The journey to happiness is a long one, but a good one, it's one where you meet people that are God sent, they'll change your life for good. If you are willing to open your heart.

MsDM changed my life, her family touched me a lot. I'm surrounded by great friends, I need to get over the pain because of The family.

Something that one of MsDM kept telling me (and she intended no harm) was that you have to stay close and take care with your blood-related family because in the long run, they'll be the only one to stay, be there for you, support and love you. I know she means it and it is great for her but every time she said it, I felt as if a rock was hitting my heart, making it heavy. One time I said to her :

I understand that's the way it is for your family and I'm glad to hear it, but not everyone has that luck. Many families are apart for X and Y reasons. Some people can't count on their blood relatives. I know it's what makes you happy but it's not that way for everyone.

I wanted her to at least know that she's lucky, it's not that way everywhere. I didn't wanted to burst her bubble but I needed to get it off my chest.

You know the strange things, MsDM family said I was amazing, an angel and thanked me and It's fine, I know I did good but what breaks my heart is that my mother think I'm worthless and never took my side. I'll get over the pain, I need to grieve my family and move on.

I stopped at the church after my appointment with my hairdresser and lite a candle for DN. She was in pain today, she was very sad. I lite up and said " Now God, I'm lighting this candle up for DN, I'd like that you take special care of her for the time the candle will burn, send her peace, love and comfort. Please protect her, surround her with Your love, she needs it."

Matthew 11:28-30
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."


Lord, bless DN, bless all of those in pain today, send upon us your mercy, your peace and your love. Give us Your peace and the strength to follow the right direction. Bring comfort to those who need it, bring love to those who are carrying a heavy burden and please, Lord Jesus, protect all of us, your children.

MsDM, we love you and miss you. Help us!

PS: I'm open to the idea of being adopted guys. Let me know if you'd want me as a relative.

Insomnia woes or will I ever learn not to sleep late on sunday morning?

Why can't I sleep? I know, it's because I slept late all weekend. I need a job where I could work nights or at least evenings.

I'm sleepy, I'm yawning but as soon as I lay my head on the pillow, my eyes are wide open.

Can someone punch me hard enough so I'll sleep? This is ridiculous, same shit every freaking Sunday night. I need to learn my lesson and get up early on weekends so I don't mess up my internal clock. Jeez, I'll never learn.

Anyway, I'll try to get back, maybe praying the rosary would help. maybe... What doesn't help is the fact that as soon as my head hit the pillow, my brain gets activated and I start to think about the silliest things...

And the honest answer to the question is No, I'll never learn. You can roll your eyes at me, it's fine, I deserve it.

What's up with that?

I'm coming to the conclusion that a whole generation of French-Canadian were raised without a social filter. Do you think it's possible? Is this just a French-Canadian thing? Or worldwide problem?

Overheard near the park this evening:

Hey No Nonsense girl, look at me, don't look away, I've seen you. She's not looking at me, he then tell his wife.

You know what dude? When you shout inappropriate comments at my friend and I, I don't feel like I'm a part of that stupid conversation. I don't think your jokes about The Young Priest (TYP)and I are funny. Guess what dude? I don't think you're funny at all.


Is it possible that some people just never learn about social boundaries, or what to say and what not to say while in public? If I have kids, I swear, they won't be like that, or I'll lock them in their room. Don't email me to cuss at me, I know I can't lock kids in their room for years. I'll deal with motherhood when faced with it.

On the other hand, dinner was great, The Bistrot is a great restaurant, the scenery is priceless and the server was great.

Tomorrow is Monday and I hate Mondays. I can't sleep in on Mondays... Oh well, I'm alive, healthy, with great friends, that's enough to make me happy Plus, I get to bitch and moan on here all I want.

Oh and I'll be getting my own cellphone tomorrow, yippee!!!

hmm back to our regular programming....

There's another dinner tonight and I'm not going, I can't handle partying that much two nights in a row. That would kill me.

Everyone's fine today, my headache is almost gone, The Nurse and The Seminarian are both fine but I'm guessing won't be drinking tonight. I'm just staying here, quietly and will attend a church service at 19h00.

I need to pray and take some quiet time to take it easy. I want to offer up some prayers for MsDM, I want to pray for her DN and the family and friends that are hurting right now. One of her closest friend is really hurting right now and missing her.

I think what MsDM would want us to do (those she loved and that loved her) is to take care of each others as she would do it. I really believe that be important for her.

MsDM, I love you and miss you soo much. From heaven, please send me peace...Now that where you are, you can see everything, you know what I and those you loved need, please help us and guide us.

diary of a drunk catholic church worker

I know guys, I'm hilarious. I had soo much fun, The Seminarian stayed there because he was drunk as hell.

We laughed, but I'm soo sick of hearing about The Ex boyfriend. I'm sick to my stomach...and drunk...did I already say it?


I'm drunk, wait....was that already established???

Goood night guys! I love ya!!!!

MsDM's memories

This past april, a friend and I taped MsDM for an afternoon. We chatted about her family, her life, her work, her memories. We laughed and had a good time, her memories were a treasure to keep forever. The tape is now on a CD, I made 10 copies, printed a little CD card with pictures, wrote a letter to DN and dragged my a$$ to the post office.

She'll receive them tomorrow morning, guaranteed. It's nothing big, it's just something to remember her dear aunt, her "beautiful little aunt" as she called her.

I loved her "beautiful little aunt" soo much. I'll miss her, even if I know she's in heaven, even if I know she's at peace. I love her and will miss "seeing" her with my eyes.

The CD is just soo awesome to hear, it's her, her voice, her laugh, it's amazing to have as memory like that.

But he was going to church!

Yeah, like going to church fix it all. One of the parishonners said this to me this evening while visiting the expositon.

Her= How's The Boyfriend?

Me= ??? Oh fuck, I knew the time was going to come, she'll blame ME for sure. Hmm, what can i say that'll remain vague??? :::thinks::::

He's probably doing fine, what do I know?!

Her= That was priceless, the look on her face was just freaking hilarious

What Do you mean?

Me= The Ex Boyfriend and I decided to split almost 2 weeks ago. It's fine, don't worry for me.

Her= But, But, but.... He was going to church!!! He was a good man, he was going to church!!!

Me= What the hell? Seriously?

Good people go to church but a lot of of creepy jerks also. It's not a criteria, it's NOT a requirement. Thinking to myself, be careful, everything you'll say will end up in the streets, carefully pick your words hon. You are absolutly right, he's a great guy, but in some occasion, a couple can decide to split for good reasons. Simply, we weren't meant to marry each others. That's all.

Don't mention BJ, lets not go there. There's no need to shock the heck out of her. Good catholics can still be freaky.... believe me. Going to church doesn't take your humanity away from you, well it shouldn't. But the fact that one goes to church shouldn't mean i'm going to lower my expectation of what I want or don't want in my relationship.

Her= He was such a good man!

Me= HUH???!!! Yes he was, but you know what? He wasn't The One, now, lets move on. I'm still myself, that's all that matters.

All this time, I'm the one who's getting the blame, just cuz I'm respectful enough not to air our dirty laundry... Poor guy is still going to church, I think.

Seriously? :::with my best imitation à la Meredith Grey::: seriously?

Couple of points to remember:

-Going to church is good for the image.
-You can be a creep but attending church will make you look better.
-As long as you go to church, parishonners won't be questionning your choice of life, as long as they don't see it.
-If you are a woman, our judgment will be really harsh. After all, you are a sinner... daughter of eve. ::::pfft:::

What pisses me off is her and the others who kept asking me about MY freaking sex life while the EX boyfriend and I were together. Today, I'm the big meanie.

Man, do I love my parish.

I'm a blubbering mess, this means I'm making progress doesn't it?

What do you think? I sent DN an email to thank her and I also said that this has been good in the way that the untouchable, cold-hearted and wouldn't cry girl is now a blubbering mess who cried like a freakin idiot most of the days. In.front.of.people, in front of strangers, like even total strangers.

I'm totally in favor of public displays of sadness, the fact was that in the past 3 years, my heart was cold as hell (), it was difficult to shed a tear for MYSELF, difficult as in near impossible. Crying for a total stranger Yeah, crying for a pathetic SOB story on tv, could do. But really crying for me? Impossible!

Sometimes, it seems best at a time to block emotions when things are too painful but when the switch won't work again, it's puzzling. Anyway, MsDM's death and last weeks has put the switch back to "normal". I'm feeling things again and I'm able to cry. Making progress As in moving on!

This is such an amazing gift, I'm going to write DN about it all, she deserves to know. She was amazing, I swear to God, she, her sister and her mother touched my heart on levels you can't make up. We laughed and cried and another PSA is that I'm blonde, well not physically but I'm totally one.

I think I'll call SW tomorrow, I'd like to have a coffee and chat and have a good cry with her. We need a heart-to-heart, we'll see about that because TFB retired today, and I know he needs a big ass break.

Goodnight all!

Passing to the other side

I'm sorry I haven't been writting in the last few days. I spent a lot of time at the hospital with MsDM.

On the morning of tuesday July 24th, at 6h30, she passed away. While it happened we (one of her niece, her brother and I) were holding her hands and speaking to her, and it was a real blessing for me to be there. I believe that those that are dying choose who'll be present when they do die. I'll explain more on another entry, right now, I have to get ready. I have to get to work first because someone needs to do PR work and then off to the funeral home.

The viewing at the funeral home starts at 10 AM until 14h30. The funerals at church are going to be at 15h00 and we'll go from there to the cemetary.

MsDM, I love you, thanks for everything you did, thanks for teaching me soo much. I know you finally reunited with your mom and dad and all of those you loved but that were already gone. May heaven be as you dreamed of it and as beautiful as the look you had a minute before you died. Love you a lot

R.I.P MsDM
I love you!

A spider tale

Overheard at the lake this afternoon....

- "Oh.My.God, there's a spider in my safety vest" I hear myself yell.

I quickly take the vest off and start to pull on my tank top, in total panic. I don't care of I'm showing my bra, I want the spider OFF me, hear it!!!

- Oh. My. Where the hell is it? Where is it???? (By the way, no one replies to me, they are laughing their asses off.)

Anyway, after 3-4 minutes of pulling on my tank top ( up and down) and moving it around... I hear my friend tell his 12 years old son "Son, you now know what you have to do if you want a girl to take her shirt off, just tell her there's a spider inside of it. " Thanks pal, yer funny.

Later my friend TheNurse shouts:

We all know that No Nonsense girl is terrified of insects and now we know she is wearing a beige seamless bra. Thanks for showing us your boobs, especially to The Seminarian (studying to become a catholic priest).

PSA about hospital visits

It never dawned on me that I was going to ever need to do a PSA (Public Service Announcement) concerning hospital visits. I should have known better, people are insane, after all. While visiting MsDM an acquaintance of us comes to visit. It seems nice eh?

Lets call her WhinyH, she's a 40 something very messed up lady. And by messed up I mean "not crazy enough to be locked up, but shouldn't really be free either". WhinyH tells us she just got out of her physical therapist appointment and tells us ALL the fucking details of her real-or-not illness.

She suffers from:

ciatis,blocked artheries and she's recovering from a CVA and before that had an ischemic stroke (whatever that is). She previously had anorexia, she was hospitalized for several years, she plays music, she's got more degrees than you can ever get. She's got it all.

Think of something you did, WhinyH did it, and she did it faster and the result was better than yours. Just think of anything that may have happened to you, well, she went tru it and it was WORSE. I'm telling you, she has been tru ALL. I'm pretty sure she was crucified, tortured, kidnapped, attacked, put in concentration camp.

MsDM was tired, she couldn't place a word. WhinyH just wouldn't shut the hell up. Honestly, if you visit someone who's dying, for God's sake, Shut the fuck up about your real or not problems. She's dying, you are making her anxious. She's way too nice to told you to STFU because she thinks your life was hard enough.

Go there, kiss her, talk to her, hold her hand but keep for yourself anything that's TMI, keep for yourself all these fucking traumas, keep for yourself everything that only your poor therapist has to hear. Oh.My. your therapist is a saint. I would drink myself silly if you were a patient of mine.

Please WhinyH, if you are going to come again, you oughta keep your mouth shut about these details because I'll kick your ass. Also, keep your freaking remarks about my clothes and my hair for outside of the hospital. Someone's freaking dying here. Someone needs peace, just pray for her but for god's sake SHUT UP about that nonsense. MsDM doesn't need more worries, I don't care if you like my friggin hair, if you think I look good in the newspaper or if you are satisfied with my friggin work. We are here to support MsDM on her journey to friggin afterlife.

This isn't a friggin Daughters of Isabella's meetin or a tea party. Are you able to take your friggin eyes of your own bellybutton. It's not about you, or I or anything else than MsDM.

Yeah, I wasn't soo nice with you and yeah, I kept on interrupting you but for some reasons, you weren't seeing how tired MsDM was and how agitated she was.

WhinyH, here's a buck, go buy yourself a clue. I understand you had a troubled life, I do also understand you suffer from BPD , but you are smart enough to understand better. She needs peace, quietness and someone to be there, listen and hold her hand. Not make her sick to her stomach with TMI, not have to hear you whine and whine and whine about your life. :::pfft:::

I hate people like that, I was soo pissed off and worried about MsDM. Next time, I'll gently take her out and make her leave.

On the other end, Dear Niece (not mine, MsDM's) is back, she's such a sweetheart. I'll offer that the two of us do something nice like going for a coffee or eat out inbetween hospital visits. That woman is really sweet and her heart is very pure... I'm good at feeling those things.

I went to mass tonight, after few weeks without going it was very nice. It's not that I have a problem with eucharist, it's the people that piss me off. Because of the fact that I work for the parish, I have to hear all the nonsense about anything that goes on in the parish. That's the part I can't stand. But today was good, and that's very nice.

Oh and for the Novena to St-Anne, here's today's prayer. MsDM, this one is for you.

Glorious Saint Anne,
I kneel in confidence at your feet,
for you also have tasted the bitterness and sorrow of life.
My necessities, the cause of my tears, are...

http://www.catholicdoors.com/prayers/novenas/p00007.htm

Not very witty tonight!

Sadly, I'm not witty or funny tonight. I guess it's because it's friday night and the week was crazy at work and on the private sides. It's a week after The Breakup and it seems soo much water has gone under the bridge. A week and it's night and days.

SW would be soo proud of me. I was able to stop NA from going on about my dating situation. I did exactly like SW and I talked about yesterday:

There is nothing to talk about and I WILL NOT to discuss any of this.

I had to say it 3 times in a row but it worked.

A week after the breakup and I sleep better, my mood is better and I can give soo much more at work and with friends. It has lift pounds of rocks of my chest. That's just amazing.

In regards to MsDM, she's alive. I spent 3 hours there this afternoon. I have agreed to take the schedule of being there for supper this weekend and we'll check what spot I can fill next week. I could take monday and friday for supper, the rest, yours truely is working until later these evenings. I wish I could be replaced for some nights. :::sigh:::

Have I already said that I was free? It feels soo good! I need to work on an assignement that SW gave me yesterday. I'm off to do it, have a great night! Bonne nuit!

An update on MsDM

It's not a very good update, I mean there isn't going to be an improvement. Au contraire, it's going down. MsDM isn't "there" as she was as of tuesday. The doctors are trying to figure out if she isn't reacting well to the morphine OR if it's just going down faster than they believed. And by down, I'm talking about the BIG trip...

Having daily visits, having someone present at meal time to make her eat is important. She's also having frequent visits from a priest. My heart aches for her, I'm just sad to see her in such pain but I also understand that when you are 80 something, your life has been lived, you had time to fully enjoy it and feel the happiness. It's been a time of reconciliation with MsDM, she had the opportunity to reunite with estranged family members and it was perfect.

Being at peace with yourself and others before dying is a freaking good idea. This afternoon I was trying to explain to her Dear Niece (DN) that being with MsDM doesn't just bring me love, it kinda makes me reconnect with some members of my family. Through her, I'm having that possibility. It's strange but in the end it's all good.

Because we are preparing for Ste-Anna's feast ( July 26th) and because I prayed the novena this afternoon with MsDM, I'm going to post a little image of that said devotion.


PS: I hope I'm not depressing anyone but you know, blogging is like therapy and it's a free one. Also, you are free to read me or not.

Ste-Anna and her daughter Mary

Thanks to WolverineXO2

This guy helped me with his blog to add smilies to my blog. I followed the step by step instruction and it worked!!! I did what any satisfied user should do and it's to post about you and let others know.

You rock!

This is the website

I'm really having a proud computer moment.