Tuesday, July 31, 2007

grieving and mourning

Grief is an amazing thing, it can shake you really deep and at the same time help you grow a whole lot.

I'm grieving MsDM and at the same time I'm grieving the loss of my family. What sucks and is worse is that they aren't dead but for reasons beyond my control, we can't reconciliate. Don't email me to let me know it's "fixable", IT ISN'T. sad

I tried for years and some things just can't be fixed because when one doesn't acknowledge their responsibility over actions and blame the other for anything and everything, things just are problematic. The Mother said very hurtful things to me including how I wasn't a part of their family that you know what? I got the freaking message. There's no need to tell me over and over again. For God's sake, I got it. I need to get over that fact and move on.

At the same time, I'm grieving MsDM, I'm going through the stages of grief in regards to my family.

You know, the thing is that MsDM gave me her friendship, her affection, her love, her kindness. She saw who I really am, like my friends, she saw ME, she loved ME. She took me for who I really am, as I did with her. She was a lovely woman, an amazing spirit. She taught me a lot about faith, about what really matters. I loved her, I still love her. sad

I need to write more about my feelings, I need to write her DN about the amazing healing I received from MsDM's last day. I'm finally able to to let my pain out, I'm able to cry for me, finally....

The journey is hard, the road sometimes sucks, I'm at a turning point, I need to follow the right direction. The journey to happiness is a long one, but a good one, it's one where you meet people that are God sent, they'll change your life for good. If you are willing to open your heart.

MsDM changed my life, her family touched me a lot. I'm surrounded by great friends, I need to get over the pain because of The family.

Something that one of MsDM kept telling me (and she intended no harm) was that you have to stay close and take care with your blood-related family because in the long run, they'll be the only one to stay, be there for you, support and love you. I know she means it and it is great for her but every time she said it, I felt as if a rock was hitting my heart, making it heavy. One time I said to her :

I understand that's the way it is for your family and I'm glad to hear it, but not everyone has that luck. Many families are apart for X and Y reasons. Some people can't count on their blood relatives. I know it's what makes you happy but it's not that way for everyone.

I wanted her to at least know that she's lucky, it's not that way everywhere. I didn't wanted to burst her bubble but I needed to get it off my chest.

You know the strange things, MsDM family said I was amazing, an angel and thanked me and It's fine, I know I did good but what breaks my heart is that my mother think I'm worthless and never took my side. I'll get over the pain, I need to grieve my family and move on.

I stopped at the church after my appointment with my hairdresser and lite a candle for DN. She was in pain today, she was very sad. I lite up and said " Now God, I'm lighting this candle up for DN, I'd like that you take special care of her for the time the candle will burn, send her peace, love and comfort. Please protect her, surround her with Your love, she needs it."

Matthew 11:28-30
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Lord, bless DN, bless all of those in pain today, send upon us your mercy, your peace and your love. Give us Your peace and the strength to follow the right direction. Bring comfort to those who need it, bring love to those who are carrying a heavy burden and please, Lord Jesus, protect all of us, your children.

MsDM, we love you and miss you. Help us!

PS: I'm open to the idea of being adopted guys. Let me know if you'd want me as a relative. wink


jehara said...

i am a big believer in the family of choice. i have similar issues with my own blood family. especially my immediate family. but i have been adopted by some really great friends and i have finally come to a place where i can accept that and not be hurt that it's not coming from my 'real' family.

No Nonsense Girl said...


Wow, you and I have so much in common. This says everything I feel. I am lucky to have been "adopted" by some awesome people that love me like I'm theirs and are what family should be about. Just today, I went to TFB and SW for dinner, they waited for me to eat because I was coming at 18h00, how nice. :) My friends, numerous are my treasure.

I'm glad you have found good people!!! :)