I've lost a friend today

It is sad, I have lost a friend today. I'd send an email to a long time friend because it'd been a while since I'd heard from her. She send me an email back today telling me it was not an accident that she was not on my facebook friend's list anymore and that I hadn't receive any news from her. She actually read something about me and without an explanation she decided that she couldn't be friends with me. She said she didn't judge me BUT..

But what? Do you have any clue what really happen? she doesn't She doesn't know the context in which the incident took place but she made her mind without knowing and that is someone I've helped through numerous storms in her life without ever judging but she has made a judgment based on something written "hors contexte" as we say in french without knowing anything else.

My heart was broken this afternoon over the email and over my friend's words but right now I am angry at her. Who does she think she is to pass a judgment on me? Who is without sin can cast the first stone. Jn 8,7

I send back an email 30 minutes after receiving hers. She hasn't replied, I don't know if she will but I do believe I've lost a friend. I pray for her and I'm asking God to help me to forgive her for being so ignorant on something she know fucking nothing about. If only she knew what she was talking about. She passed a judgment on the most painful times of my entire life.

Sometimes people are not who we thought they were. I forgive her but I won't forget and I don't think I could ever trust again but I forgive as of my heart is not full of anger. I offer all of what is inside to Him, my Beloved.

The need to sleep

The weirdest thing that has been happening to me in the past few months is the need to sleep more. I need at least 10 hours of sleep a day when not more. I slept probably more than 16 hours last night but I got up at 4h30 am and I feel ok, rested. With fibromyalgia it is something that doesn't happen a lot.

I started last thursday ritalin to be able to focus, to fight against what is called "fibromyalgia fog". It's many neurological symptoms that make you almost unable to do anything but sleeping. It has helped right away but in the next week, I'll be trying to find the right dosage: I started at a lower dose, 10 mg in the morning and 5 mg at lunch time. No later than this because it could affect my sleep but as of now it hasn't because when it's passed 12h30, I don't take the 2nd dose.

Anyone else dealing with fibromyalgia? I take several medication and the pain med is oxycontin and it helps a lot, gave me back my life, this combined with anti-depressant and several others and keeping me active. This for me is fantastic and almost a miracle because for several months I was bed ridden and could barely walk. I will start to go to the gym next week (it will open next week at the local college, it is less expensive) and do cardio and weight training 2-3 times a week. I want to lose weight and get back in shape because it helps with the pain. It will help me get ready for the winter. I am scared because last winter was very very difficult for me healt wise...

BTW thanks to my friend Vixen, I'm happy to be back. I have been reading your blog and your DIL (it's on my google reader) even if I wasn't commenting... Much love to you 2. xxxx

on being single

In november 2008 I wrote what I'd realise about being single and almost three years later it hasn't changed. I feel the same, I am confortable in my own skin. I love men but I am just too broken inside to be in a relationship. (at least I don't pretend not to be and screw up someone else) I hear you say that I should go in therapy and you know what? I've been there more than 4 years and I have healed my wound but there are some that cannot go away and the best way to remain happy and sane is to know your limits and needs and mine are my inability to be in an intimate relationship. It was screwed up and cannot be repaired. So instead I am (and I have been) offering God my life. I am and will be devoting my life to His service and to the service of those in need.

It is kind of strange to go back in the past and read what I'd written, without going in any details. :-)

two and a half years later

This is a much due update, I've kept this blog private but I've never read my posts in the last years, things were good and bad at the same time. When they were good, they were very good. When they were bad, oh my, they were bad.

I'm a full time student at Big Bad University in City A (2 hours away from me) but I take all of my classes in the city I reside in because my Diocese has implanted a School of Theology and pastoral care affiliated with Big Bad University because their reputation is excellent. So our professor are either Lay minister with Master's degree or with PH'd in Theology and sometimes it's professor from BBU that do come from City A. It hasn't been the opposite (us having to go there). There are 40 000 students in BBU's campus but we're never more than 50-75 and I've been the only full time student. Our School of Theology and pastoral care was implanted in 2004-05. It is quite recent. Anyway, I'm glad it has allowed me to stay in my area but the other side of the medal is that in a small institution you have less classes available and when you're full time like me, you end up taking more online classes than you'd like.

I've been very very ill with debilitating fibromyalgia, it all started a little more than 18 months ago and since then my life hasn't been the same. It took my dr and I several months to figure out the right medication that would take the severe pain away but we finally found it and it's not as bad now that it is under control. What I have to fight is the "fibro fog" but I started this week a new medication "Ritalin" to help me focus and concentrate on my school work and be able to read. The past 4-5 weeks were too bad.

I think I'm going to be blogging again. I hope people will be reading me.

xxx